I FEAR I'M LOSING YOU BUT I'M NEVER LETTING GO

Days go by like they always did. But with each day I fear I may be losing you. Slowly and in uncertain ways. The memories of our times together and the moments which made my day are fading away it seems. I try to recall some instances sometimes and I am unable to remember the details which were once at the back of my head. All the details are falling short and missing a piece or two. Perhaps that's also one of the reasons why I gather any photograph I find of you and keep it with me, because I fear someday I might just forget how you looked like as well. I know that would really be the end of me. I went back home again and this time I stayed there for almost three months. Everything has changed....

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After So Long

It's been a while mom since the last time I talked with you, at least on the web. It has been some few weeks of deliberation and confusion. A lot has happened in the meantime. Life hardly ever waits for us to catch up with it, no matter if we feel utterly helpless to move ahead and are too tired to continue walking and need few moments of rest. It just goes way ahead and after our moments of rest we really need to run after it to catch up with it.For most part the pace of life has been slow for me since I landed back home. It feels somehow strange to use the term home anymore for the place that I live in. Cannot make myself feel at home, ever. I miss being comfortable and being at ease or simply...

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SISTER'S FLOWER GARDEN

I re-discovered the essence of always trying and not giving up no matter how impossible or how unbearable or how different things turn out in the process. I figured that if you still have even a small fraction of your vision with which you set out to do what you are in the process of doing, it will turn out just like you thought and sometimes even better once you keep moving ahead with it. Perhaps I had to learn this in the simplest of tasks I did recently.Remember mom when I told you about the painting that sister wanted to me to draw for her - a garden full of flowers. Well, I attempted it, formed the base, painted some flowery shapes. It looked very promising in the beginning and I was already...

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FEELING GOOD TODAY!

I guess I was really low when I wrote my previous post. But I am feeling quite good today. Must be the fact that I was working yesterday and it helped me get some fresh perspective.Disappointments and frustrations do tend to come along in life but the point is to keep on moving ahead, no matter what. It's like walking back home or to a destination in some way. There are days when the weather is pleasant, the traffic is less, people you see seem happy and cheerful. Then are days when you are soaking wet in the rain or soaking wet in sweat, muddy roads and irritated people, every step is a feat in itself. And on both occasions, I have always moved along at the same pace, whether or not my foot...

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THINGS ARE NOT CLEAR, MOM

Things are not clear, mom. I have been in this phase for sometime now. For most part I think it's the fear. Now that the problem has been identified another problem is nagging me: what to do next? How do we go about trying to solve the problem? I feel this sense of complete numbness, as if I am paralysed and cannot even move an inch. I have ideas and thoughts that hover around my mind and they seem pretty good, if only they were acted upon and executed. An invisible chain seems to be tied all around me restricting any movements at all. So, all that I am left with is BIG and GRAND ideas, mocking at me all the time.I don't know, mom. I feel I can do it. But next moment I am doubting again. I don't...

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THE WAY YOU LOVED, MOM

I never really got to talk to you about love and relationships. The only thing remotely concerning love or more appropriately a crush, was when you caught me writing a love letter to my classmate in sixth standard! I also knew you had an inkling about my going around with a certain Miss A during my last year in school. But we didn't really discuss about it. I guess we never really connected in those terms at least for the most part of our relationship, during my school and early part of college life. When we did talk about anything and everything, well almost, I was single (as I was for most of my life).My perception of what love is and how it makes one feel had a drastic change after you passed...

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HOME IS NOT HOME WITHOUT YOU

I just spoke to sister and it got me thinking about home. Never put much thought into it while you were around but have been missing it for sometime now. The idea of home for me was you and all of us in it together. That was home. Now we are all living in different parts of the globe, in different houses, even different time zones and experiencing different seasons.The worst thing is when I went back home after a long time, I still failed to feel at home. I have been struggling with this thought, a search for home, for feeling at home again. The reason I had not gone back home for so many years was for the simple fact that I did not want things to change in my mind for I knew it was changing...

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PAINTINGS AND EXPECTATIONS

Few weeks back I tried to paint you out of my memory. I knew that I could never make myself to try and draw your face. I am scared I will not be able to do so. So, that has been off limits. I had an idea of what I wanted to convey and how I wanted it to look like. One day, I took out the canvas, the fine paint brushes sister got me and the colours. I called the painting 'Heaven'. It's a painting of your feet, with three chrysanthemum flowers placed around it representing the three of us. I read somewhere about how Heaven or Paradise really is the land beneath the mother's feet and that's what I wanted to show. The idea was put onto canvas but I have to admit my skills as a painter pretty much...

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THURSDAY, 27th MAY

I am listening to my favourite songs, sitting in my room and writing down notes and poems and I thought of you, so decided to let you know. I have always been some kind of a loner. I guess you already know. I loved having my own room contended in my own small world. Ever since we moved to our own house and I got a separate room, no matter how small it was, I was really happy about it, especially after having shared a room with sister all the while and with a whole lot of cousins and aunts back in the village.I can clearly see the room: wooden bed with traditionally embroidered mosquito net, wooden clothe-hanger, a cupboard-cum-table, a Phillips auto-reversal tape recorder, a black table lamp,...

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