Few weeks back I tried to paint you out of my memory. I knew that I could never make myself to try and draw your face. I am scared I will not be able to do so. So, that has been off limits. I had an idea of what I wanted to convey and how I wanted it to look like. One day, I took out the canvas, the fine paint brushes sister got me and the colours. I called the painting 'Heaven'. It's a painting of your feet, with three chrysanthemum flowers placed around it representing the three of us. I read somewhere about how Heaven or Paradise really is the land beneath the mother's feet and that's what I wanted to show. The idea was put onto canvas but I have to admit my skills as a painter pretty much made sure that it wasn't executed the way I had envisioned it. When sister saw it she was like 'those are such ugly feet, mom had such beautiful feet' and I completely agree with her. So you see, attempting just to draw your feet was such a disaster I can't imagine even trying to draw your face. You know, I had tried to sketch you once but the picture looked more and more like a stranger than you so I stopped and didn't even complete it.
But I haven't been able to paint after that. I know I should at least try and do some other stuff like the 'flower garden' sister wants me to draw. But I am so bad with the brush to draw such fine stuff like flowers in a garden. It needs attention to details, the right brush stroke to create the petals, the leaves and the stalk. Maybe I am just finding excuses!
It is so hard to deal with the expectations of others, let alone your own. And I have too many expectations of my own and from my own self (hardly have any from others!) that I fear to even think of trying. If I manage to think about it, I hesitate to work towards it. If I start working towards it I think of several other things to do so that I stop doing it. If I still persist, when the moment comes to seize the opportunity I just decline, flat. Just like that. Earlier I used to find it tough to say 'No', but now the problem is saying 'Yes'.
I guess more than anything or anyone else, we ourselves are our own worst fears and nightmares and if given a chance the best friend and guide. I wish you could tell me what to do. But I do know what you would have said. I guess I am just pretending not to hear, like the time when you once warned me the glass would fall if I didn't place it properly and after a moment it fell down and broke into pieces. Then I realised you were right and I should have listened. I still haven't changed, have I mom?
Miss you. Goodnight.
Love
But I haven't been able to paint after that. I know I should at least try and do some other stuff like the 'flower garden' sister wants me to draw. But I am so bad with the brush to draw such fine stuff like flowers in a garden. It needs attention to details, the right brush stroke to create the petals, the leaves and the stalk. Maybe I am just finding excuses!
It is so hard to deal with the expectations of others, let alone your own. And I have too many expectations of my own and from my own self (hardly have any from others!) that I fear to even think of trying. If I manage to think about it, I hesitate to work towards it. If I start working towards it I think of several other things to do so that I stop doing it. If I still persist, when the moment comes to seize the opportunity I just decline, flat. Just like that. Earlier I used to find it tough to say 'No', but now the problem is saying 'Yes'.
I guess more than anything or anyone else, we ourselves are our own worst fears and nightmares and if given a chance the best friend and guide. I wish you could tell me what to do. But I do know what you would have said. I guess I am just pretending not to hear, like the time when you once warned me the glass would fall if I didn't place it properly and after a moment it fell down and broke into pieces. Then I realised you were right and I should have listened. I still haven't changed, have I mom?
Miss you. Goodnight.
Love
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