HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MAMMA!

I remember the last time I wished you. How you just went to your room and crawled up on the bed and turned away from me when I sat down beside you.

You said: "It's all a waste of time and money. I am not a child anymore and you are not a kid either."

It hurt me, so I just left feeling bitter and a little mad. I had wished then sitting in my room. "I should have shown more often how much I loved and cared."

Love without an expression is the most selfish of love. Things changed after that day. I hugged you more. I kissed you more. I sat down with you and had our little conversations, especially during lunch or dinner. I still remember how you would always wait for me to come back home from college so that we could eat together. I gorged on all that you prepared while you watched me more and ate very little.

Between the Heaven and the Earth, I feel so close to you. And so I thought I'll let you know how much I love and miss you. Even though I can still feel you are crawling up somewhere in the corner of the paradise up above. But I know this time you are smiling and looking down on me... and saying...

"I love you and miss you too, my dear."


Love

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REMEMBERING YOU, MOM...

I remember your laughter, how you’d smile mischievously and then the smile would broaden and then burst into peels of laughter. I remember your quietness, how you’d go so far away in your thoughts with a lost look in your eyes. I never knew what you thought of or what you saw in your visions, I was just glad to see a silent reassurance in your smile when I called out for you.

I remember your anger, how you’d all of a sudden go so silent on me. No word spoken or any frustrations shown just complete silence even when serving out the dinner to me. I remember your disappointments, how you’d try to still be a part of my changing life which had somehow outgrown your need in everything. You would still be there, telling me about your day and hoping I share about mine but be left disappointed every other time.

I remember your strength, how you would without a trace of worry in your face go about things bravely even in the most vulnerable times. I never knew it until the day I was a witness to it. You must be glad to know perhaps how much of that strength sister has imbibed from you. There is so much of you in her. She's making you and all of us proud.

I remember your fear, how you held onto me once and told me how afraid you were of what would happen to you. I was ill-prepared to react. That was the first time I realized you were not as strong as you’d show to us. I was scared to know that here was someone whose mere presence drove all my nightmares away and even she had fears. It was one of those rare moments when I came to realize that you were after all human with all the emotions and feelings a human could feel. It was one of those days when I realized that you too needed to be held, to be heard, to be seen, to be hugged, to be pampered, to be spoiled and to be sometimes chided and teased as well.

I hope and pray, god is pampering and spoiling you up there. Don’t be sad or worry if you see us missing you once in a while. We need those moments to feel your presence in our lives. Even though we know you’d always be there with your arms around our shoulders, guiding us and letting us know we will be fine.


Love

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YOUR BIRTHDAY AND MOTHER'S DAY

Dear Mom,

Life has been spinning its wheel and I have been circling along with it. Many a times I have thought of you and even wanted to write to you. But like most things, I just end up thinking about it and not actually doing it. It's not to say I didn't think of you. You already know that.

A lot many things have happened and a lot is still the same. It's already the middle of the year. Pretty soon we will be bidding farewell to yet another year. Time just flies by and things remain almost always the same somehow.

I thought of writing to you on my birthday or at least on your birthday or even on Mother's Day. But I didn't. I chose to keep my emotions in me rather than type it here. My birthday went well. This year I cut three cakes. Making up for all the years I didn't have cakes on my birthday perhaps. My good friends Sushi and Sunny dropped by half past midnight. It was a complete surprise. We had great fun. Stayed up till early morning. They along with Bishnu made aloo tikki and tomato chutney. At first I thought it would just be me when the clock strikes twelve since I thought Bishnu would come by around two in the morning. So, I decorated the walls with ribbons and paper flowers and baked a suji cake for myself. I thought why be sad or anything when I can celebrate the birthday like we would have when we were all together. Brother and sister would be decorating the drawing room while I was sent away on some errand and I would act surprised to see the party waiting for me. Of course the gifts would always be the real surprise.

Then your birthday went by. I have a feeling I saw you in my dreams that day. But I don't remember the dream now. I did puja on that day. Felt the need to. So much needed to be said and so much still is left. Some I am writing down here now. While most just stay unwritten and always felt.

On Mother's Day I tried hard not to get emotional since brother was at home too. He doesn't like to get all emotional, especially in front of us. So, I avoided watching all the movie line-ups and concentrated on reality shows or game shows and stuff like that. It's hard to endure a day filled with reminders of 'mother' when I am wishing in my heart we all could have our lives the way it was with you in it.

Love

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