June 3, 2010

THINGS ARE NOT CLEAR, MOM

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Things are not clear, mom. I have been in this phase for sometime now. For most part I think it's the fear. Now that the problem has been identified another problem is nagging me: what to do next? How do we go about trying to solve the problem? I feel this sense of complete numbness, as if I am paralysed and cannot even move an inch. I have ideas and thoughts that hover around my mind and they seem pretty good, if only they were acted upon and executed. An invisible chain seems to be tied all around me restricting any movements at all. So, all that I am left with is BIG and GRAND ideas, mocking at me all the time.

I don't know, mom. I feel I can do it. But next moment I am doubting again. I don't see myself pushing for it real hard. I don't see myself investing every ounce of my self into it. And I fear I will just end up doing what I always tend to do with most of my writings - leave them incomplete after a vigorous start. I am wanting passion in my life. I am needing believe in my life. I have seen how for things you believed in you worked passionately with all your heart. You would never give up. I am so much like you in so many ways. But how I wish I could be more like you when it comes to this.

I have fear, fear of the uncertain, fear of the failure. I have no passion, no passion for life or for living. I lack in believe, my believe system has hit rock bottom, it's almost dead. I hardly find any reason that I can come up with to live convincing or reasonable enough. I am worse than you mom. You are dead but I am feeling already dead alive.

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Note On The Blog

Life is not easy. It is far more difficult to live when you lose someone as close to you as your mom. There are times, more often than not, when you miss her so much so that it becomes hard to believe in everything else still living around you. Times when you need to say and share things, as simple as how your day went by and what all you did. Times when you need a hug or a kiss to console and comfort you that it's okay. Times when your happiness and joy would make so much more sense if she were there. Times when just her presence, knowing she is there, is reassuring enough to battle any nightmares. There are so many things bundled up in our hearts waiting to be told. So, I will write them down today and every other day when I need to talk to you, dear mom.
 
 

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