Things are not clear, mom. I have been in this phase for sometime now. For most part I think it's the fear. Now that the problem has been identified another problem is nagging me: what to do next? How do we go about trying to solve the problem? I feel this sense of complete numbness, as if I am paralysed and cannot even move an inch. I have ideas and thoughts that hover around my mind and they seem pretty good, if only they were acted upon and executed. An invisible chain seems to be tied all around me restricting any movements at all. So, all that I am left with is BIG and GRAND ideas, mocking at me all the time.
I don't know, mom. I feel I can do it. But next moment I am doubting again. I don't see myself pushing for it real hard. I don't see myself investing every ounce of my self into it. And I fear I will just end up doing what I always tend to do with most of my writings - leave them incomplete after a vigorous start. I am wanting passion in my life. I am needing believe in my life. I have seen how for things you believed in you worked passionately with all your heart. You would never give up. I am so much like you in so many ways. But how I wish I could be more like you when it comes to this.
I have fear, fear of the uncertain, fear of the failure. I have no passion, no passion for life or for living. I lack in believe, my believe system has hit rock bottom, it's almost dead. I hardly find any reason that I can come up with to live convincing or reasonable enough. I am worse than you mom. You are dead but I am feeling already dead alive.
I don't know, mom. I feel I can do it. But next moment I am doubting again. I don't see myself pushing for it real hard. I don't see myself investing every ounce of my self into it. And I fear I will just end up doing what I always tend to do with most of my writings - leave them incomplete after a vigorous start. I am wanting passion in my life. I am needing believe in my life. I have seen how for things you believed in you worked passionately with all your heart. You would never give up. I am so much like you in so many ways. But how I wish I could be more like you when it comes to this.
I have fear, fear of the uncertain, fear of the failure. I have no passion, no passion for life or for living. I lack in believe, my believe system has hit rock bottom, it's almost dead. I hardly find any reason that I can come up with to live convincing or reasonable enough. I am worse than you mom. You are dead but I am feeling already dead alive.
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