HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MAMMA!

I remember the last time I wished you. How you just went to your room and crawled up on the bed and turned away from me when I sat down beside you.

You said: "It's all a waste of time and money. I am not a child anymore and you are not a kid either."

It hurt me, so I just left feeling bitter and a little mad. I had wished then sitting in my room. "I should have shown more often how much I loved and cared."

Love without an expression is the most selfish of love. Things changed after that day. I hugged you more. I kissed you more. I sat down with you and had our little conversations, especially during lunch or dinner. I still remember how you would always wait for me to come back home from college so that we could eat together. I gorged on all that you prepared while you watched me more and ate very little.

Between the Heaven and the Earth, I feel so close to you. And so I thought I'll let you know how much I love and miss you. Even though I can still feel you are crawling up somewhere in the corner of the paradise up above. But I know this time you are smiling and looking down on me... and saying...

"I love you and miss you too, my dear."


Love

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REMEMBERING YOU, MOM...

I remember your laughter, how you’d smile mischievously and then the smile would broaden and then burst into peels of laughter. I remember your quietness, how you’d go so far away in your thoughts with a lost look in your eyes. I never knew what you thought of or what you saw in your visions, I was just glad to see a silent reassurance in your smile when I called out for you.

I remember your anger, how you’d all of a sudden go so silent on me. No word spoken or any frustrations shown just complete silence even when serving out the dinner to me. I remember your disappointments, how you’d try to still be a part of my changing life which had somehow outgrown your need in everything. You would still be there, telling me about your day and hoping I share about mine but be left disappointed every other time.

I remember your strength, how you would without a trace of worry in your face go about things bravely even in the most vulnerable times. I never knew it until the day I was a witness to it. You must be glad to know perhaps how much of that strength sister has imbibed from you. There is so much of you in her. She's making you and all of us proud.

I remember your fear, how you held onto me once and told me how afraid you were of what would happen to you. I was ill-prepared to react. That was the first time I realized you were not as strong as you’d show to us. I was scared to know that here was someone whose mere presence drove all my nightmares away and even she had fears. It was one of those rare moments when I came to realize that you were after all human with all the emotions and feelings a human could feel. It was one of those days when I realized that you too needed to be held, to be heard, to be seen, to be hugged, to be pampered, to be spoiled and to be sometimes chided and teased as well.

I hope and pray, god is pampering and spoiling you up there. Don’t be sad or worry if you see us missing you once in a while. We need those moments to feel your presence in our lives. Even though we know you’d always be there with your arms around our shoulders, guiding us and letting us know we will be fine.


Love

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To Mom And All The Women In My Life...

I learned love, I learned patience, I learned silence, I learned strength... I learned all that is good in me from the women in my life. There were few good men too, who showed the harsh realities and opened my eyes to the world outside of me. Men live looking outside in. Women live looking inside out. Different perspectives and different lessons learned.

As I sit down and think about all the women in my life - from my mom and sister to all the friends and the rest - I can clearly say I have met many different personalities. But deep down somehow they are all the same, when they love you, they really truly love you. If their whole heart is in something, they give it their all. I have been lucky to have been loved and cared for in such a way. But being a man, I have many a times screwed up the relationship. I have pushed many away when I wasn't comfortable sharing my space or when I felt I was clueless as to where things were leading to. One always want to stay in control and command the way things need to flow. When I knew I couldn't do it, I just put an end to it and closed the door forever on them.

Despite me being the way I am, easily irritable, easily insecure, easily depressive and most likely an escapist and a dreamer, with too strict views of the idealistic world and relationships contrasting with the pushover that I am, I have been loved. And it's a miracle!

One of my most favourite actors Audrey Hepburn said, 'When you love someone with all his faults, it is not chance, it is choice'. These women cared enough for me to love me with all my faults, my irregularities and my shortcomings. It was their choice and I am humbled by their love. I don't know how to show them my gratitude and my love back. I am not wired that way. Because of which, I have several times inevitably ended up hurting them. So, whenever I have been really touched by a gesture or moved by their words, I have remained silent. For I don't know how to react. I have shown my love with the little things I can do. Even though little things make up the world. Sometimes little things are just not enough. So, today I take time out to thank you all for your love. Especially to the one above. I love you.


Love

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तेरे बगैर.. माँ (Without You, Mother)

कई सिरहाने बदले है मैंने
पर वो सुकून कही मिला नहीं
जो तेरे गोद में सर रख कर
सोने से मिलता था, माँ...

देखते है, सुनते है
अंगिनत किस्से-कहानियाँ
उनपर मगर अब यक़ीन कम होता है
वो बचपन की तेरी एक राजा और
एक रानी की कहानी
अब भी सच्ची लगती है, माँ...

डर जाता हूँ, मैं सहम जाता हूँ
जब भी बुरा सपना कोई
आँखों को ढूंढ़ लेता है
तू दौड़ के आएगी सहलाने मुझे
पल भर को ये उम्मीद रहता है, माँ...

कई बार की है कोशिश लेकिन
चुटकियों से मात खा जाता हूँ
मीठे का मिठास, नमकीन का नमक
अंदाजों में घुल जाते है
जुबां पर अब भी ठहरा है मेरे
वो स्वाद तेरे हाथों का, माँ...

दिल को बहलाने के बहाने कई है
मगर ऐसा कोई मिला नहीं
जो तेरी तरह तेरी कमी को मिटा सके
जैसे टूटे खिलौनों के रोने पर
तेरे एक छूने से
मेरी हँसी जुड़ जाती थी, माँ...

ऐसा कभी सोचा ही नहीं था
तेरे बिना भी कोई ज़िन्दगी होगी
ये और बात है की
तेरे बगैर मैं अब
जी रहा हूँ, माँ...


Love

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